Now, after being unable to decompress on my own, I'm sitting here on my couch with a bottle of Chardonnay and my largest - and favorite of late - wine glass while I try to write away my sorrows and frustrations. So, here goes: My life feels like a giant mess pile in a contractor trash bag that I keep dragging behind me with no hope for the heaviness of its stress to lighten. I haven't gotten over my last break up yet - sad, I know - and it's just making me feel like I'm the most worthless person on the planet. I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly wondering if he is thinking of me at all. If he even cares about me to begin with? Etc, etc, etc. Insert standard sadness shit here, blah... As you know, I struggle with trying to distract myself with other tasks or. Because I had figured out something.I'm sure some of you have it by now. But for those who haven't ... everytime I angrily lashed out with my non-existent powers, my transformationinto a woman took a step forward.So each time a brute shoved me, each time I picked up a dish and enduredthe simple humiliation of having to wash off people's half-masticatedsaliva-saturated food bits off their plate, each time I heard"faaaaaaggot" hissed under someone's breath, not only did I restrainmyself from lashing out a fist (which would have had little effect fromthis small body), I had to restrain myself from lashing out my temper.And this went on for hours. But I will not subject you to therepetitiveness of the hatred that I had to deal with. Original orcreative, they were not.* * * * * * * *One very small thing I will give this process. Hell makes you enjoy thesmallest of heavens. When you can't adjust the weather to suit yourwhim, you actually enjoy sunshine and a warm spring breeze with.
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